When I was in my late twenties and married for only a year or two, my wife discovered that she was pregnant and I discovered that I was going to be a father. I was excited about this, especially since if you had gone back a few years, I had never imagined having children (or even being married).
I have always prided myself on not doing things in an ordinary manner, and so I considered what creative thing I might do to honour the occasion. I had dabbled in writing off and on for many years, and at times I had some unfounded and crazy ideas that I could pursue writing as a side career, so I guess it would not be surprising that I decided to write a journal.
This journal was to be directed towards my future child, almost as if I was talking directly to them. I planned on writing any and all ideas that came to me as. I contemplated being a father, and also, I would briefly document any significant events that happened in our family while the baby came to term. Finally, when he or she was born, the idea was that I would eventually give this journal to them.
And it really had a cool symmetry to it. I started the journal on my birthday and it would finish on the baby’s birthday, which of course would be when the baby was born.
It is now about 30 years later, and my son has recently expressed interest in reading this journal. So, we brought it off the shelf, and since I have been having trouble finding the original file (which I think was written using a Windows 95 computer, if you can believe it), I decided to take pictures of the first ten pages and send it to him using Facebook Messenger.
But as I turned the pages on this journal, taking pictures of it, I found myself reading the passages therein. And then I read some more, and some more after that, and pretty soon, I was absorbed in the reading. Yet the reason for my captivation was not what one might have expected, and as such, this became the very theme of this blog.
Young me, the one who was writing the journal in the midst of managing the overwhelming workload typical of a fledgling teacher, was clearly trying to be clever with every journal entry. And sure enough, at times I was quite successful, and as a modern reader, I would tip my hat to honour such efforts. But more often than not, young me would resort to apologizing to the reader (who would be my future son) for being utterly tired and not being able to conjure up anything remarkable or profound. Instead, I would simply relate some of the tedious details of the day, things that were not out of the ordinary, things that I felt were not worthy of putting on the page, especially for this wondrous journal that I was attempting to conjure up.
Yet, and this was the surprising part, older me was not that interested in the exercises of special wordplay or the particularly poetic expositions. No, I was actually drawn to the mundane details. I found myself especially intrigued in what my expectant wife was eating, how often she was getting sick, the strain in our relationship that occurred as she battled with this hormonal and emotional experience, and my ideas about what my child would be like when they were finally born and I was able to spend time with them.
You see, we can barely remember those days. This is not to say they were unimportant to us, but rather, our lives were so chalk-full of new experiences that we were simply overwhelmed, trying our best just to simply survive it all with our minds and hearts intact. It was a whirlwind and a lot of the events just didn’t stick in our exhausted brains. Strangely, and to emphasize this, there were some memories in our current heads that we were sure that happened, but the black and white words written in my journal proved these to be absolutely false.
So, it was not my attempts at brilliance that made this journal valuable, but rather, it was my dry text, my plain descriptions of everyday events, that stole the show. They were able to magically transport me back to those earlier days and to allow me to relive them. They have educated me, reordering my aging mind, until I have a much clearer idea of what it was like to be an “expectant” father who had no concept of what he was getting into. And they have helped put my present life in perspective, using my young expectations as a measuring stick. Was I the husband and father that I hoped to be? Can I be proud of what I have accomplished over these thirty years? Fascinating stuff.
This now has me wondering if I am doing my blogs all wrong. The only times I write in my blog would be when I have a fascinating tidbit to share, something off the wall, something quite of the ordinary. But if my journal can offer any insights at all, maybe I should be leaning more towards the blasé and the unremarkable. Should my next topic be my technique for how to brush my teeth or how I mow the lawn or how I make my choice of cereal in the morning for my breakfast?
I am not sure. But one thing I do know is that I am going to quickly finish this blog so I can return to reading my mundane journal entries from 30 years ago.